My dad told me a while ago to start a blog so I could become the next Perez Hilton. I nodded my head in agreement, but never did. But I did read Hilton’s books. So here I am who knows how many years later doing so.
Where do I begin? Well, my name is Brett, if you could actually tell. And yes I share the name Brett Ashley with Hemingway’s character, but I promise I am not a whore, and do not have a Facebook page devoted to it. Really it exists! https://www.facebook.com/pages/Lady-Brett-Ashley-is-a-whore/351265446069
I am completely obsessed with celebrity culture. Some may say it is an unhealthy obsession. I am aware that knowing the date that Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt announced their separation probably won’t help me in any capacity (but in case you were wondering, it was my birthday, January 6, 2005, and yes, a tiny piece of my heart died that day) but I still carry it around with me. I’ve seen every episode of One Tree Hill, Brothers & Sisters, Grey’s Anatomy, the original Beverly Hills 90210, Gossip Girl, The O.C., and many more shows. Speaking of The O.C., without adorkable Seth Cohen there would never be Chrismukkah (thanks to the episodes: The Best Chrismukkah Ever, The Chrismukkah That Almost Wasn’t, The Chrismukkah Bar-Mitzvahkkah, and The Chrismukk-huh?). I mean I’m pretty sure we were all kvelling when Ryan Atwood became an honorary member of the tribe, what a mensch. I love being able to recognize an actor in one show and know where I have seen him/her before. I love when I hear a song and know that it was played in a certain episode of a TV show. In fact, I can probably tell you what characters were in the scene and recite the dialogue too. When there is a category on Jeopardy that is TV related, don’t even try, that’s my turf, and I will answer the questions right. Hi my name is Brett and I’m a tv-aholic.
Besides the scripted dramas that make me cry and give Reed a reason to make fun of me, I don’t know what I would do without reality television. Seriously. The note from my parents in the program from my 5th grade graduation mentioned America’s Next Top Model, Survivor, and more. It was even my goal to be on The Real World, as long as I wasn’t the drunken whore, although they are the most interesting to watch. Or I thought I would be on the show and find my true love like Real World Austin’s Danny and Melinda, but hey look how well that worked (they got married, divorced, and then were forced to be partners on a show. YIKES!). I could never do America’s Next Top Model. Besides not being tall enough or model-esque, I cannot stop, drop, and tooch or sing about Potledom. No that’s not a drug, it’s top model spelled backwards. I would never be able to survive Gordon Ramsey’s Hell’s Kitchen without screwing up the risotto or beef wellington, and I would never want to be The Bachelorette. I can’t be on Dancing With the Stars unless I’m famous, and I don’t dance, so sorry Dad for having you pay for 11 years worth of dance classes. But a reality show about me? I think I could handle that.
I am a lot more than my somewhat ridiculous relationship with TV. I am a Starbucks addict, and yes I go sometimes more than once a day to earn stars. But hey, a decaf, skim, no whip, white mocha is clutch and so is my go to grande unsweetened black ice tea. And the baristas in Smith even know my name! I am an older sister, although people peg me to be the younger sibling, a daughter, and someone completely obsessed with my two miniature schnauzers, Jazzy and Petey. Shout out to the two “fondue brothers” as my mom puts it, Brodie Max and Riley J, who I miss every day, but have scars to carry them with me. Seriously, I can’t count how many times Brodie bit me and Riley bit a hole through my lip which is always fun. I am a professional spazz, so you can always count on me for entertainment. In the past week, I have been to the E.R. once and Health Services three times. I fell off Hayley’s bed today and broke my toe, so I’m sure by the end of the year here at the University of Delaware, I’ll have been in a cast. I’m a Jersey girl who really is a New Yorker. I’m a brunette who never actually had a full head of brown hair. I am a little bit all over the place, but isn’t everyone?